About 20 Years Ago....

When I ask you about a problem you called 911 for, please don't go back to your childhood, and bring me up to speed by way of your life story. 911 = Emergency = Let's Get Moving!!!

I'm Packed!

Awaiting 911 with your bags packed? Classy!

Poop

Covered in your own feces? Really?

I Think I've Been Bitten By Something?

Please limit calling 911 to the following kinds of bites: Large animal that leaves a gaping hole, black widow spider, rattlesnake, vampire, zombie, or anyone who lives near my fire station. "No sir, that tiny bump that looks like a mosquito-bite is not a cause for concern. While I'm here, would you like me to tuck you back in bed and check your closet for monsters?"

Bypass

When you tell a paramedic that you had "a bypass" with no other qualifiers, we are automatically going to think "heart", and start treatment accordingly. Letting me know halfway through the treatments that it was a GASTRIC bypass defeats the purpose. Help me help you, and give me the right info BEFORE I start treating you for the wrong thing. Thank you.

I Guess He Won't Be Needing This...

If your buddy is laid out on the street after being plowed by a car, there are fire engines and policemen on scene, and the area is beginning to get flagged off, it's probably not the right time to offer to "take his bike home for him." It's a crime scene. Unless you'd like to see what it's like to wear handcuffs, just move along.

I'm Telliiiiing!

Don't use the fire department to continue feuds between yourself and your neighbor. Here are a couple things to consider before you pick up that phone: 1) I have better things to do with my time, like responding to actual emergencies. "Sorry your grandma died, I was busy tracking down a barbeque." 2) I don't want to hear about all the things your neighbor does. If it's dangerous and illegal, call the cops. We are the fire department. We don't have handcuffs, and don't take people to jail. But for you sir, I might make an exception.

Fastrak

911 is not a way to get into the ER quicker because you have a cold, flu or otherwise non-emergency ailment. An ambulance ride, however, is one way to take a $2000 ride to the waiting room. I think it's cheaper to rent a stretch limo...

Is That My Car?

When a car is a big ball of fire, it is nearly impossible to distinguish an exact make and model of a vehicle. I'll be right with you, I'm a little busy at the moment...

Get On The Backboard!!!

Just to show you I am fair, sometimes 911 can be "funny" (not me, of course, but the ambulance crew). The ambulance crew first on scene puts a lady on a backboard as we pull up. When she says she is being choked by the collar and it hurts they tell her, "No it doesn't!" Then they proceed to wrestle her into submission when she tries to get up. Strong work guys, strong work.

What Fire?

If a fire engine pulls in front of your house one night and you have an illegal bonfire in your backyard, don't say, "What fire?" when they ask you about it. "Then what's that flickering orange light and smoke coming from your back yard? I saw the fire as we were pulling up." "Oh That?"

Got Batteries?

Calling 911 to change the batteries in a smoke alarm is okay if you are elderly. It's a public service. But here are a couple of tips to let you know if you have an emergency: A single beep every few minutes is a sign your battery is low = no emergency. A lot of loud, constant noise = get out of the house!!

"I called you in the middle of the night because I thought you might be busy during the day."

"Good idea ma'am. I was loafing around in bed right now anyway."

My TOOOOOOOOOOOTH!

If you call 911 for a toothache, do so between the hours of 8am and 6pm. Why you ask? Because firemen don't pull teeth! Neither do ER docs. Just in case you missed it, 3am is definitely NOT the time to call for a toothache (refer to the business hours chart above).

She Stuck It Where?

If you're a grown man, and "lose" something in your rectum, please don't wait 24 hours until your elderly mother comes over before you call 911. In fact, "Don't call me, I'll call you."

Toughen Up Tattoo Guy!

If you are going to squirm and cry like a 4 year old when we are about to start an I.V. because you "don't like needles", make sure you're not covered with tattoos before making such an idiotic comment.

Second bit of advice: When we say hold still, we mean it. Now we gotta stick you again because the I.V. was missed. HOLD STILL!